A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks “Why the long face?”

The horse replies “My mate Gary just told me my other mate Steve thinks I’m a twat”. “So you’re upset about that then?” the barman responds.

“Sort of, but I’m more confused than anything; why would my mate think I’m a twat and why would my other mate tell me that? What a twat Steve is for thinking this”

“Have you asked Steve if he thinks you’re a twat?” enquired the barman. “Yes” said the horse, “and he says he doesn’t think I’m a twat”

“Do you believe him?”

“Well I suppose I have to, he’s meant to be a mate isn’t he?”

“What about the other bit” asks the barman, “the part about Gary telling you this, what makes you believe him?”

“Well, Steve does have tendency to call people twats and Gary is also a mate too; although now I think about it, Gary and Steve don’t really like each other much”

“So Gary could just be saying this because he doesn’t like Steve?”

“Possibly, although that would mean that Gary was a bit of a twat, not me or Steve” chuckled our horsey hero.

“Well this is a bit of a pickle” said the barman as he poured the horse a pint. “I just thought of something, are you in actual fact a twat?”

“Easy now” growled the horse.

At which point a rabbi, priest and imam walk into the bar. The barman asks “Is this meant to be a joke?”

“No” said the trio “We’ve just come from a conference on Truth”

“Aha” replied the barman “Then perhaps you can assist my horse friend here on how to decide what is the Truth”

The three holy men all listen to the horse’s story and as one say “Well, the Truth of the matter is that all three of you are twats; Gary for saying what he did, Steve for thinking what he did and you for being one”

“That’s a shit conclusion” said the horse.

“It’s a matter of what you believe” state the trio. “You have no proof of anything at all, it’s all based on faith, so why not go the whole hog and believe it all?”

“Because that’s completely irrational” replied the horse. “Someone somewhere is wrong in this surely?”

“Wouldn’t it be best to be sceptical about it all?” asked the barman. “Surely if you have no proof then the best thing is to not automatically assume something and wait until it can be proved either way, rather than believe one thing or another”

“Makes sense I suppose” said the horse. “Doesn’t exactly solve my problem but is probably the most sensible thing to do”

The three holy men look horrified at this. “No, don’t do that! Since you won’t believe it all, how about we make a deal and you believe there’s a chance that some of what we say is possibly right?”

“But the barman-” started the horse.

“Ignore him, he’s a twat” cried the trio.

“Do I look like a horse?” winks the barman. “You’re not helping and you’re out of order”

The three men depart grumbling about eternal damnation under their breath and the horse takes a sip of his beer. “Thank God those three have gone” said the horse. The barman nods and asks “So, what are you going to do?”

“Dunno” said the horse. “I could go and ask a bunch of other horses what they think, but the ones who agree with me will agree with me and the ones who don’t won’t”

“Seems a bit of a daft idea” agreed the barman.

A philosopher, psychiatrist, neurologist and propagandist wander in. “Drinks are on me!” announces the neurologist. “We’re definitely in a different reality now, those are the first drinks I’ve ever seen him buy” mumbled the philosopher.

“What a crazy day I’ve had”, said the psychiatrist as he gulped down his pint. The propagandist also says something unfunny whilst pertinently revealing his ‘All horses are twats’ T-shirt.

“Don’t think much of your t-shirt” said the philosopher. “How do you even know that all horses are twats anyway? Seems a very subjective view”

“Gentlemen” the barman interjected. “It’s fortunate that you should be discussing such a topic! Perhaps you can help this horse with a problem”. The horse relayed the details of his quandary to the assorted brains. “Aha! I knew I was right”, said the propagandist, proudly pointing at his t-shirt. “All the clever thinking in the world cannot deny what the t-shirt says! I was given this t-shirt by someone who found it outside a government building, there must have been a leak at the highest level!”

“You wouldn’t know a horse called Gary would you?” asked the clearly amused horse. The propagandist blanched. “You’re a tool of the oppressor”, he snarled at the horse and proceeded to storm out the bar mumbling something about eternal damnation under his breath.

“Thank God he’s gone” said the remaining thinkers as they laboured to get the point across. “So now we’ve discounted faith, what about science?” enquired the neurologist.

“Horses could have an innate genetic composition which could under some circumstances manifest itself chemically as twatishness”, said the psychiatrist. “Luckily, we psychiatrists have written a textbook detailing a number of characteristics of how a twat is defined, perhaps we should go through it with you”

They went through the exhausting list of personality flaws, strange behaviours and assorted miscellaneous ticks until the horse stated: “Well, according to psychiatry, I, Gary or Steve may or may not be a twat depending on who is doing the examination”

“Or in which reality they chose to make those decisions in” chipped in the philosopher.

“So I’m back to what the barman said earlier about not automatically assuming anything then” said the horse deflated. “Thanks all the same though”

“We’ll send you the bill” the neurologist called as they drained their drinks and walked out of the bar.

“Well now I’m a poor twat” the horse said philosophically with a conspiratorial chuckle.

At this convenient point of the story, Steve and Gary walk in. “Wahey! He’s here!” boomed Steve. “We’ve been looking for you all over town! How are you doing you old twat?”

Gary hopped from hoof to hoof excitedly “Look! See! Did you hear him? He thinks you’re a twat! I told you!”

Steve head butts Gary.

Moral of the tale: Don’t piss horses off.


A horse walks into a bar…